Are Your Expectations Too High?

Valentine's Day is coming...believe it or not, it's just two weeks away. It doesn't seem possible, but time is flying by.

I don't know about you, but this used to be a day I did NOT look forward to. My hubby is not a romantic and for years did little on Valentine's Day. In fact, if I didn't remind him ahead of time, my birthday and our anniversary often got either overlooked, or was a last minute rush to find something to make me happy.

The title of this post can be applied to any holiday where you have a need to feel special and have your spouse or boyfriend/girl friend (depending on your gender) remember you.

How high are your expectations? Are they such that no matter what he does, you're going to be disappointed because it didn't quite measure up? Are you setting yourself up to be let down? Or can you be content with what he does, and say a simple, heartfelt 'thank you' if he does anything at all?

This is the place I finally came to, as getting upset and disappointed that he wasn't putting out the effort I felt he should, only brought continued stress and division. Holidays and birthdays became a mini war zone, or at least a day to retreat into my quiet space and try to pretend everything was 'fine'. I'm not great at hiding my emotions, though...and that rarely worked. My hubby got the idea fairly quickly and division and hurt ensued... the problem is, he didn't MEAN to neglect me, he just doesn't have a strong understanding of what romance means to me.

Over the years, he's gotten better and now (after 35 yrs of marriage) I can pretty much count on dinner out or flowers, or both. No, he's never planned a romantic evening with reservations, a hotel get away, or special gifts planned far in advance...but I've also learned to be thankful for the bouquet he brings home, or the dinner he takes me to, even when it's to a place we might frequent often. You see, I've learned to not set myself up for disappointment. He is who he is, and I've learned to accept that. I've learned to say thank you, I love you, I appreciate you, when he puts out any effort at all. And you know what? It's reaping rewards. When I make a big deal out of the little things he does, he seems to want to do more.

The bible says "give and it shall be given back to you, pressed down, running over..." And I think this applies to our husbands as well. If we give them affirmation, adoration and appreciation, they'll be hungry for more. If we give them disappointment, anger and recriminations, that too will come back to us. It will come back pressed down and running over.

So it's your choice....what do you want to have come back to you this Valentine's Day? Anger or joy?

When Two People Say It...You Listen!

The Bible talks about listening to the counsel of others, and where two or three witnesses testify to something. Now I'm not talking about listening to gossip or well meaning friends trying to talk you into buying a new dress, LOL! I'm talking about listening when you believe someone with wisdom in a given area makes a suggestion and shortly after, another person states the same thing... with no prior knowledge of the counsel already given.

I had that happen this past week, in two different areas, but both have to do with book marketing, to some degree. But more importantly, with an area of ministry that's always tugged at my heart.

I've felt for a number of years that I'm supposed to be speaking and ministering to women beyond what I've been doing. I've led small groups, taught Bible studies and prayer groups, headed up committees and even spoken at our church when our pastor was absent. But I've not spoken specifically at women's groups as the featured speaker.

A few days ago my agent suggested it was time I consider putting out feelers and let churches and groups know I'm available to speak. The following day I spent an hour on the phone with a professional marketing consultant. We don't know one another personally, but after chatting for about 40 minutes she urged me to consider a speaking ministry.

Ministry you say? Wouldn't I just be trying to tout my book and writing career? No, absolutely not. Of course name recognition is important to book sales, but I'm talking about speaking to women's hearts about issues that are important to them. My first book deals with marriage and family issues--some of which I've lived personally. Being unequally yoked with a spouse who isn't a believer, having an unexpected child come into your life that belongs to you spouse and dealing with the resultant fall-out. Dealing with emotions as a direct result of both of these issues.

My second book deals with loss....How many of us have lost material things and found that when we did, our world turned upside down? How many of us at least know of someone who lost their job, their home, their credit rating, if not more? Can you relate to that type of loss and are you able to speak into people's lives who've experienced the same? I have and I can. We've been close to bankruptcy more than once in our early years of marriage, had to voluntarily turn a car back to a bank, lost jobs, had to walk away from a business because of a huge tax liability, and the list goes on. We've experienced laying awake at night from stress and wondering how we'd keep the electricity on after the phone was turned off.

Fiction is relevant and speaks to our lives. So many people believe that fiction, even Christian fiction, is a waste of time and has little or no place in a Christian's busy time schedule....either in reading, or writing. I beg to differ. Some of the most profound truths have hit me through a book of fiction. When my marriage was struggling it was a book of fiction that impacted me and spoke to my heart. Of course, so did many non-fiction books, but I've had a number of fiction books speak into my life over the years.

How about you? Is there a work of fiction that's touched your life? Leave a comment and tell us the title and what it was that ministered to you!

Trying to Catch UP!!

Where do the days go???

I can't believe I've allowed almost two weeks to pass without blogging. I tried getting into my blog to catch up with you all a few days ago and couldn't get in. Then life got in the way and the days blasted past at lightening speed.

So here I am, sitting in my easy chair on a Sunday afternoon, still in my pj's and bathrobe, having stayed home from church with some form of vertigo. The room occasionally goes into spin mode, and I feel like I'm in the center of a clothes dryer as the walls tumble around me. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm sitting, lying down, or walking around, it hits periodically with no warning. Very disconcerting to say the least. I thought it might be a tad bit embarrassing to attend church and fall on my rear on the way to my seat. I just hold on to walls and chair backs here, and stay in my easy chair most of the time.

We've spent the last two weeks running around like crazy finishing a ton of small detail work in our new home so we can get it on the market. Fourteen realtors did a walk through on Wednesday morning to preview it, and it hit the multiple listing on the internet on Friday. We're trying to remain open to what the Lord would have us do. Our old home hasn't sold and we don't want to continue to pay two mortgages. It seems that the housing slump hasn't hit the high end houses as hard as the mid line ones, so this one might have a better chance of selling. We have a large amount of equity in the new one, which would allow us to pay it off as well as the old one, and be mortgage free, something we've never experienced before. I love this house and had hoped to live it in the rest of my life, but I also like the idea of being out of debt.

God knows what's best for us, and we're leaving it to Him.

Prayers You Can Pray For the New Year

Here are a few prayers that a friend posted on a group that I belong to. I hope some of the scriptures and suggestions are a blessing.

Pray daily for:

1. A deeper understanding of my value and worth before God.

Ephesians 1:3-4; Psalm 139:1-18

2. Caring Christian friendships and involvement in Christian community. (In

our case, especially with other Christian writers.)

Hebrews 10:25; Proverbs 27:8-10, 17

3. Opportunities to share Christ through my words (both spoken and written)

and actions.

Matthew 25:34-40; Matthew 28:18-20

4. Strength to stand firm in the face of temptation. (Especially the

temptation to quit writing.) 1 Corinthians 10:13; Matthew 6:13

5. Greater understanding of what it means to be loved by God and to love

others.

Philippians 1:9-11; Romans 8:38-39

6. Integrity and honesty.

Proverbs 28:13; Psalm 101:2b-3

7. Humility to admit my sins and ask for forgiveness. Proverbs 28:13; Acts 3:19

8. Wisdom in my daily life and actions. (And in the words I write.)

James 1:5; Psalm 25:4-5

9. A sense of God's calling and purpose in my life. (Especially my writing

life.)

Ephesians 4:1-3; Ephesians 1:11-12

10.Gratitude in all things.

Colossians 3:15-17; 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Whose Birthday Is It???

Christmas is almost upon us, the most joyous time of the year.... Or is it?

For many, it's just a season filled with stress, financial trouble, or loneliness. For others it's a time to visit with friends and family, bake, buy gifts or hope for some new blessing in their life.

What does it mean to you?

In this age of commercialism, are you making the time to celebrate the birthday of our Lord? It's so easy to allow the days to fly by and be swamped with all the chores required by Christmas. Baking, mailing cards, buying gifts, decorating the tree, helping children with programs...all these are good in themselves, but what will really bring the peace and joy to your heart and your family?

Let me make a small suggestion. When you wake up each morning between now and Christmas, don't jump out of bed and hit the floor running...no matter how many chores are begging to be done. Lay in bed another five minutes, and give time to the Lord. Let the awe of Christmas fill your heart and the joy of our Saviour minister to your spirit. Don't beat yourself up for not taking an hour with your Bible & prayer. Do what you're able to do, but make sure your priorities put Him first in your day.... After all....

Whose Birthday Is it, Anyway?

Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Birthday to you, Jesus!

Help For Blended Families

I'm going to be writing and sharing articles about blended families....whether it be foster, step children, mixed marriages, adoptions, etc. Even within the Christian community families and marriages are in need of help.

My debut novel, The Other Daughter, deals with the issue of an unexpected blended family and all the varied emotions that can take place. We see a family and marriage almost derailed by the strong emotions and struggles that ensue when an unexpected addition to their family arrives in their midst.

How do marriages survive when a child appears...whether it be a teen or an adult, years after the event in question....especially when one of the spouses haven't been told of the child's existence?

I've already had three different readers mention that either they or a close friend have experienced the same type of situation. Our family did, also. The premise for the book was taken from our life...only we had an 18 yr. old girl write a letter to my husband, explaining that she believed him to be her father. Were we shocked? Yes. Were we angry at one another or did the shock turn to distrust and destroy our marriage? Thankfully, no.

We decided that the hurts and needs of this young woman were more important than what we might be feeling. She'd been told most of her life that her father didn't want her and she had some deep hurts that needed to be addressed. Trisha is now a part of our family, and her father was able to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, and we're now grandparents to her three children.

God is able to take that which the enemy wants to destroy, and bring beauty from the ashes. He's the restorer of broken hearts and the one who keeps relationships in tact. Lean on Him for your family's needs and look to Him to bring peace into turmoil. He's faithful, so very faithful!

So Much To Do and SO Little Time!

I must say I'm excited and a little overwhelmed all at the same time. September has been the busiest month I've experienced so far this year, and it promises to get worse, before it gets better....or should I say, it promises to get better, before it gets worse, LOL! I guess it depends if you view being super busy as a bad thing, or look at it like I have to...that the things keeping me busy are WONDERFUL things. Here's a quick overview of what my month holds:

The first week of September our family was engrossed in wedding details. Our son Steven and his lovely bride Hannah were married on Sept. 8th...the rehearsal and dinner took place the evening before and we had a 3 hr round trip to take part. A couple of weeks before my mother and I attended the bridal shower and had a wonderful time getting to know Hannah's extended family. A week after the wedding my hubby, mother and I again traveled to Portland for dinner with Hannah's parents, and the joy of watching our kids open their gifts. We LOVE our new daughter--she's a commited Christian and fits into our family so beautifully.

During that same time period we decided to tackle our lawn project. As you know, we moved into our newly constructed home in early July and it's surrounded by DIRT, which will very soon become MUD! We brought in fill dirt from out of our nearby forest floor. While it's beautiful dirt for growing, it's also filled with tons of roots and branches, which all need to be raked out. After it's raked, we planted seed and are daily watering it, and coaxing the little blades to appear.

I've been putting in 2-3 hrs per day on marketing my book, The Other Daughter, which is very close to it's Oct. 30th release date. I've scheduled a book release party at our local library and will be speaking to a couple of large churches in the area about talking to their women's groups. News releases still need to be written, influencer lists finalized and...well, the list goes on.

Tomorrow I leave for five days for the big American Christian Fiction Writer's Conference in Dallas, Tx, and to say I'm excited is an under statement. I can't wait! I get to meet some of my favorite authors who will also be attending, take awesome workshops, socialize with hundreds of other writer's, and meet with two editors to promote my upcoming potential books I'm considering now.

We'll be home for 3 days, then my hubby and I will head to N. California. We'll be driving a rental moving truck and helping our son and his wife move. It's not a burden at all, we're looking forward to going, as it's our first chance to get away together in quite awhile. We plan on touring the Redwood forest while there, and spending a couple of days in a nice hotel getting some much needed R&R.

That brings me to the end of Sept., when I'll return and have a birthday party for our oldest daughter at our home. Oh, and did I mention the couple dozen pints of peaches I've canned, or the work I've been doing on my second book? No...oh well...there's other things I've forgotten too, but that's simply because my brain seems to be turning to mush.

Wait!!! One more thing! The online catalogue for Christian Book.com just came out, and my book is on page ONE...yes, page ONE of the "Hot off the Press" list! Wahoo! Not sure how that happened, but I'm thrilled! Also, I've gotten two very positive reviews so far.... BE SURE you pick up a Romantic Times Review magazine in early October...they come out around the 10th I think, and turn to the inspirational fiction section where you'll find a review. It's considered a very, very tough review magazine and getting a good review there is superb. Just a hint....I did!

That's it for now. I just took a quick, or not so quick, break from packing but better get back. And after typing all this I realized I did my nails about two hrs ago and I'm afraid to look at them now after pecking at these keys! Yikes! Good night all, and I may not have time to visit with you again, till I return.

The Devil and the Duck

Just a quick story tonight that has a lesson in it for all of us.

The Duck & the Devil

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.
He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target.
Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he Let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it.
He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching!
Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes'
But Sally said, 'Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.'
Then she whispered to him, 'Remember the duck?'
So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.'
Sally just smiled and said, 'Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help'
She whispered again, 'Remember the duck?'
So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.'

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done ... and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ... whatever it is ... you need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved.

Please Forgive Me!!!

Yikes! I'm blushing scarlet at how many days it's been since I've posted. I do have a good excuse that I'm hoping will be rectified sometime next week. I'm on dial up now, versus wonderful DSL that I used to have at our old house. Yes, we've moved to our new home...another reason I've been silent lately, as I've been trying to set up our new household rather than living indefinitely out of boxes...NOT a fun thing to do for long, as any of you can attest to, who've had the joy of moving!

We're supposed to be getting another line that will be dedicated just for the computer line, so I can stay online and not continually get bumped off with phone calls. My laptop does NOT like being bumped, and I have to completely reboot each time I want to dial up again, and half the time it won't close down properly. I know...time to take it in for a tune up, but I don't have time to deal with it right now! Arggg!!! Too many things to do, and not enough time to do them all.

To top it off, I'm heading to a writer's conference and will be gone all day Monday and Tuesday, so more time away from the computer. AND... my editor thinks he'd kind of like to see book 2 on his desk by mid October, if possible. Writing? I'm supposed to be writing? Yikes~!

OK, enough complaining...I have a houseful of church women coming for a luncheon and to help me celebrate moving to our new home, so need to get to bed. Then, a fun bridal shower to attend on Saturday for my new daughter in law to be (Hi Hannah!!!) and my birthday on Friday, if I can squeeze that in...and No, I don't think I'll share how old I am at the moment, LOL!

'Night all...I really do need to go to bed, as I'm getting a bit rummy here and don't want to start rambling. I really will get back to regular blogging soon, and put a few more great articles in on marriage.

Love you all, and keep the comments coming, I LOVE knowing when you've stopped by, even for a minute!

S.T.O.P.---4 Part Strategy--- Part Two

S.T.O.P.--A 4-Step Strategy for Handling Conflict Without Hurting Your Relationship

Examples of Overt Muscling:

· Demanding sex and/or obedience

· Controlling resources: $, freedom, time

· Using violence or threats to control partner

· Showing anger and contempt for partner in public (includes: attacks on character or appearance as well as acting as if partner is invisible)

· Shouting or intimidating with words or gestures (includes: sarcasm, mocking, finger-pointing, cornering, taunting,)

· Blaming, belittling, interrogating, name-calling

· Hammering a point to death

· Ganging up on partner by bringing in kids, in-laws, other allies.

· Excusing your bad behavior by blaming your partner for it: I wouldn’t drink if you weren’t so X .”

· Doing any of the above in front of your children

Examples of Covert Defiance:

· Withdrawing or Avoiding (includes: the garage, the kids, work, school, alcohol, etc.)

· Stonewalling (includes: the silent treatment, refusing to talk)

· Withholding affection, attention, tenderness, appreciation, sex· Making excuses for why you didn’t follow-through . . . again

· Making and breaking promises and agreements

· Procrastinating· Chronic “forgetting”: “Oops. . . You know how my memory is.”

· Chronic lateness· Chronic apologies without subsequent changes in behavior

· Flaunting your affection for others in front of your partner

· Lying or hiding the truth

· Bad-mouthing your partner to your children, friends, family

· Developing a social network that excludes your spouse

OWNING YOUR PART means that during your time out you take responsibility for calming yourself down and redirecting your energy away from attacking or defending toward understanding and caring for your relationship.

· Techniques for calming yourself down: going for a walk, taking a hot bath, listening to quiet music, writing in a journal.

· Questions to help you redirect your energy:

1. What negative behaviors from the lists above did I use?

2. How might those behaviors have contributed to the bad feelings my partner and I experienced?

3. What could I have done that would have been more helpful, more considerate, more kind?

4. Assuming that most people don’t attack or defend unless they’re feeling threatened, what vulnerable feelings were behind my anger and (or) defensiveness? (Examples: fear, guilt, embarrassment, sadness, hurt)

5. What vulnerable feelings might have been behind my partner’s behavior? (Examples: fear, guilt, embarrassment, sadness, hurt)After you’ve answered these questions and have a better understanding of what went wrong and what part you played, you’re ready for the last step:

PEACE OFFERING.

3. PEACE OFFERING! Assuming you’ve done all 3 previous steps, you should be ready to come back together and talk. Each of you should take a turn sharing what you learned about yourself from your time away.

This means owning your part, apologizing to your partner for the hurt you may have caused, and making a peace offering. A peace offering can be as simple as a hug or a kiss, or it can be a promise or an agreement to do something different. When both of you have completed this step, chances are you’ll be feeling lots better. Here’s an example of how this step might sound:

“At first, all I could see was what you did to make me mad, but when I went through the lists and saw: blaming, forgetting, and excusing--I realized that I played a part in what went wrong. I think I was attacking you because I was feeling guilty myself for forgetting to do X. Sorry. I know I let you down. Next time I can try to be more honest sooner, or I can at least stop blaming you before you’ve even had a chance to talk. I promise to do X by Friday.”

Sounds good, huh? You can do it, too. Practice the STOP strategy over and over until the steps are automatic. It takes lots of repetition, so hang in there! When you’ve got it down, try teaching it to your kids. If they’re too young to understand it, use the strategy in front of them. They’ll learn by example how to communicate lovingly and respectfully.

Author's Bio
Betsy Sansby, MS, LMFT is a licensed marriage & family therapist with over 20 years experience counseling individuals, couples, and families. She is also the coauthor—with her husband—of seven instructional books on hand-drumming and percussion, including their latest book for kids, Slap Happy. She is the creator of an ingenious communication tool for couples called: The Ouchkit: A First-Aid Kit for Your Relationship. Clients who have used the kit describe it as: “Marriage Counseling in a Box.” You can read her advice column “Ask Betsy” at: www.theouchkit.com.